Where are my feelings located? When I was little, we lived in Omsk, Russia, next to a large industrial plant where most of my family worked. My sister and I walked past it every day on our way to school, often wondering why the building was so depressing.
Decades later, while reading Owen Barfield, I realized that our childhood perspective was actually a remnant of an older way of seeing the world — which is still so common in children. Back then, I said, ‘The plant is depressing,’ rather than, “I feel depressed when I look at it.”
Barfield points out that a hallmark of modern consciousness is the internalization of feelings; today, when we see the morning sun, we say, “I am happy,” or “It makes me happy” instead of, “The sun is happy.” Even when we say: “The building is depressing” we mean to say: “I feel depressed when I look at it.”
What happened? Are my feelings mine, locked inside my scull or chest? Or are they somehow present in the outside world too?
The child does not yet sharply separate himself from the world — much like the ancients did not. For the child, thunder itself is menacing, the lake itself is calm, and darkness itself is terrifying. These qualities are not “inside” him; they belong to the world as he experiences it. Modern consciousness, however, draws a firm line between inner and outer.
“When we reflect on the history of such notions as humour, influence, melancholy, temper… it seems for the moment as though some invisible sorcerer had been conjuring them all inside ourselves — sucking them away from the planets, away from the outside world, away from our own warm flesh and blood, down into the shadowy realm of thoughts and feelings. There they still repose.” — Owen Barfield, History in English Words
We say, “Lake Tahoe affects me in such a way that I feel calm.” But the very word affect implies a radical separation between myself and Lake Tahoe. For something to affect me, it must stand apart from me as an external force acting upon a passive interior.
But what if affect is the wrong word?
If I say, “The morning sun affects me so that I feel happy,” am I not attributing to particles of gas more than meets the eye — almost a magical power to rearrange my emotional state? Can the happiness I feel before the rising sun be reduced to observable properties in burning hydrogen?
It seems not. Something “else” is taking place.
There must be a connection between myself and the sun — a relation that lies beyond the merely visible and measurable. The sun does not affect me as if from the outside; it is in me. My “self” is part of the world — yet not of the world.
Silence can be healing — not because the absence of sound waves contains detectable medicinal properties. Silence is healing because the outside world is a mirror of what is inside a person. Silence “affects” me because it resonates with my inner silence.
Sunshine makes me happy because it resonates with the sunshine within me. “Deep calls unto deep.” When something resonates, invisible strings outside me align with invisible strings within me.
And when I stand in a concrete jungle and feel heaviness, it is not because concrete possesses measurable depression-inducing particles. We feel depressed because nothing in us resonates. There is misalignment — dissonance rather than resonance.
Feelings are not merely inside; they are an echo of something in the “outside” world. They are a reply to what we perceive as “outside.” What happens when we perceive the world as singing — and ourselves as “singing along”? Something in us shifts.
We come alive and suddenly realize with Maria von Trapp that “the hills are alive with the sound of music.”







